Will Calling My Daughter ‘Cutie Patootie’ Lead to Her Demise?

Parenting daughters has gotten complicated. Maybe it has always been, but with every publishing of every child psychologist's theory, it gives parents another reason to worry.

In my quest to raise healthy, well-rounded girls, I am sensitive to saying, "Good girl!" instead of praising a job well done, not forcing them to clean their plates for fear of inflicting an eating disorder, and comforting them, but not coddling them. It's exhausting.

In best-selling author Peggy Orenstein's latest book, "Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Line of the New Girlie-Girl Culture,” she says the issues that once faced tweens, the 9- to 12-year-old demographic, now are problems for a much younger group of girls.

According to the 2009 University of Central Florida study, half of the 3- to 6-year-olds worry about being fat. People are being socialized at a younger age, says Orenstein. "Sassiness is sexiness with training wheels." Dear Lord.

How did this happen? In an interview on BAM! Radio Network about "How We Teach Girls to Have an Unhealthy Self-Image," Orenstein says that defining females by how they look rather than who they are as a person is a problem for all women. Women use compliments on appearance as currency with one another. Upon seeing a friend, "Cute top,” "I love your new hairdo,” or "You lost weight- you look so great!” are all common compliments.

This starts at a very young age. The phrase, "Who's a pretty princess?" and "Cutie Patootie" have come from my mouth more than once. I tell my girls that they are beautiful regularly, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to have them audition for commercials or "Little Miss Perfect" pageants.

Orenstein asks, "What if I didn't say something about their appearance?" Could you replace the usual appearance-flattering greeting with something else? What's their favorite book, sport or movie? Can they tell you about their summer vacation or camp? According to Orenstein, all would be better topics than telling a girl she's "such a pretty little girl."

Orenstein suggests parents try to recognize how often girls are defined by how they look and to try to reduce this by a third. She's not saying to throw away the princess gowns and the pretty hairbows.

"It's natural for [girls] to want to express they are girls because of development issues," says Orenstein. "They need to have many other images and toys and books and movies that express other images of what it can mean to be feminine that are not perpetually linked to consumerism and appearances."

On her website, Orenstein offers ideas for making small changes to what we expose our daughters to, such as children's books, movies, TV shows and activities that empower girls rather than focus on their beauty.

How will this affect change in my household of little girls? My awareness alone helps me recognize how appearance focused we are. I won't stop telling my girls that they are beautiful. I will, however, balance those compliments with recognizing their talents, behavior and academic achievements.

And I've added Orenstein's books on my reading list. If concerns over self image start before a girl enters kindergarten, then I'd better start preparing now for the teenaged years.